Timing a Decision

About this time last year my 90-year old father was increasingly a physical challenge for my 86-year old mother. They lived in an apartment and with each passing day dad’s ability to walk, feed and bathe himself was declining. Some members of the family wanted to immediately move dad into a nursing home, but since I was given the charge to determine their medical decisions I was reluctant to move him into a full care facility. Why? My mother was not ready to be separated from dad and, being a very proud man, my dad would have resented such a move.

Visibly angry, I was taken to task by one member of the family who told me in no uncertain terms that, “No decision IS a decision.” I’ve thought a lot about the statement over the past year. Is no decision a decision? I have come to the conclusion that the decision was not the issue, but the timing of the decision. The decision was a predetermined conclusion. There indeed would be a time when mom could no longer take care of dad and he would need full time care. But the issue was when, not what and the conflict rose because of timing, not substance. One person wanted immediate action, the other person, me, wanted to wait.

The hallmark of Americans is their quick decisions. I’ve heard most of my life that the characteristic of a leader is one who makes quick and decisive decisions. It is actually a flaw in character, perceived by some, that if someone does not make a decision that somehow they are weak or cowardice. No decision IS a decision, they are told. But is that true?

“If you love me you will marry me now,” a boy says to the girl. She does indeed love him and, yes would like to marry him, but now? If she says let’s wait awhile is she making a decision on marriage or timing?

Cross-cultural Christian workers are anxious for people to “make a decision for Christ.” The potential convert may be thinking about being a follower of Christ, interested in being a Christian, but is no decision a decision? I don’t think so. Process is an important aspect of decision-making.

In many of the countries I have worked decisions are often a slow process for two reasons. One is consensus, the bringing on board as many people as possible before a decision is made. Consensus drives American leaders crazy. “Just do it, for heavens sake,” they scream. “You don’t have to take a poll, just make a decision.” What these “deciders” don’t realize is that making independent decisions in their context is rude, arrogant and self-serving.

The other reason for going slow in making a decision in other cultures is because of family considerations. Whether it is making the decision in marriage, where to go to school or a business deal the family structure is often so tight that individual decision making is unheard of. As one Korean leader stated recently, “Americans focus on projects rather than people.” That’s being generous. In many situations American leaders believe that the project is more important than people, regardless of family concerns.

Though often a laborious process, if one is working in an egalitarian or hierarchal social environment it’s best that the foreign leader learn the rules of decision making before going in and making a demand for a ruling. To be a decider may make you feel efficient, but in the process you may well destroy your legitimacy.

Dad fell ill a few weeks after the family discussion, which required he be hospitalized. It was at that time I made the decision for dad to be transferred into a nursing facility. The timing was perfect as mom was able to recognize her inabilities to take care of dad and, for dad, his transfer from the VA hospital to the Veterans home was almost seamless and he was able to accept the decision. The decision was never the issue and we all knew it would be a tough call. Waiting for the proper time may not have been “efficient” by some, but it was the right decision at the right time.